Jokes
Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.The other guy says "No way".The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, "I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no."The second guy says, "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no."The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember what I did last time?". (Camel nods). "Want me to do it again?"
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 43 |
November 11, 2009
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored."What happened to you feet?" his wife asked."I had a childhood disease called tolio.""Don't you mean polio?""No, tolio, it only affects the toes."He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked."Well, I also had kneesles.""Don't you mean measles?""No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said..."Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 41 |
November 11, 2009
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers."The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars."When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -- Everett Dirksen"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste""If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 24 |
November 11, 2009
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
Read more |
Rate: 4 |
Views: 69 |
November 11, 2009
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, MassachusettsTeen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8Bible church's focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 40 |
November 11, 2009
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?A: There's white-out on the screen.Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?A: There's writing on the white-out.Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?A: She has a checkbook.Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?A: There is a stamp on it.Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?A: By the buckle print on her forehead.Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!Q: How do you kill a blonde?A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.Q: Why don't blondes make Jello?A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?A: All you can eat, under a buck.Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?A: They can't find the zipper.Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 21 |
November 11, 2009
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted!Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience!Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night.Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: When they're on their backs, they're screwed.Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme.Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: She liked kids...Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture.Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 23 |
November 11, 2009
Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. I'm going to do something I've never done before . . . I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.""So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked. St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.""Fine! Where should I go first?" "You decide." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased."This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I'd REALLY like to see Heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision."I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons."How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?""Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter. "This is the release version."
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 26 |
November 11, 2009
221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?""Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it.""Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?""What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.""Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 17 |
November 11, 2009
201. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ? A: A blond electrician202. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.203. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ???? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!204. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.205. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought.206. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.207. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.208. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.209. Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie? A: She liked to be filled with cream.210. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?211. Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them212. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"213. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.214. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.215. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.216. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears.217. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.218. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!219. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor.220. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
Read more |
Rate: 5.0 |
Views: 18 |
November 11, 2009
