Miscellaneous
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked."He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than Iam.""Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn'tyou say?"
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November 11, 2009
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
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Views: 36 |
November 11, 2009
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, butshe slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
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Views: 42 |
November 11, 2009
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
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Views: 36 |
November 11, 2009
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!
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Views: 48 |
November 11, 2009
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help."The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun."Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".
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November 11, 2009
A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"
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November 11, 2009
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
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Views: 32 |
November 11, 2009
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
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Views: 31 |
November 11, 2009
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with apounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recallthe events of the preceding evening. After a trip to thebathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put somecoffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was itas bad as I think?""Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made acomplete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing theentire board of directors and you insulted the president ofthe company, right to his face.""He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came thereply. "And he fired you.""Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work onMonday."
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Views: 40 |
November 11, 2009
