Maths
|A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic."Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes.""1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!""Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared."
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November 11, 2009
|1. They speak only the Greek language.2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson?3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA.4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it.5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket-protector parties.6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVA's.7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z-scores.8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution.9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected.10. They express a deap-seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.
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November 11, 2009
|A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs?A: A high flyer.Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?A: 1-3, alpha = .05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?A: It's referred to as the log scale.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?A: He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?A: Lack of fit.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily.The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?A: Check the p-value.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?A: His specialty was histerectograms.The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.Some statisticians don't drink because they are t-test totalers. Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots.Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.The Lipton Company is big on statistics--especially t-tests.
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November 11, 2009
|There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."
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November 11, 2009
|Theorem: e=1Proof:2*e = f2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = 1Therefore:2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)2=fThus:e=1
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November 11, 2009
|Theorem: 1 = 1/2:Proof:We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+...as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ... ).All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)+ (4/7 - 5/9) + ...All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.Thus 1/2 = 1.
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November 11, 2009
|Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
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November 11, 2009
|"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed."What are you selling?" I asked."Geometrical algebra drugs.""Huh!?""Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers...""Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers.""Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day.""Go on...""OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills."What are those, then?" I asked."Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.""Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?""There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."
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November 11, 2009
|Analysis:1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig.2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant).3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem.Number theory:1. First factorize, second multiply.2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.Algebra:1. Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition.2. Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.Topology:1. Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out.2. Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle.3. The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant.4. The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That's usually good enough.5. The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator.6. For those who object to method 3 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator.Algebraic topology:Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3.Linear algebra:1. Put just its basis and span it in the refrig.2. Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x.Affine geometry:There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator.Set theory:1. It's very easy! Refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.Geometry:Declare the following:Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.Complex analysis:Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.Numerical analysis:1. Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term.2. Work it out using the Pentium.Statistics:1. Bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say "Done."2. Dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.3. Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant in the refrigerator.
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November 11, 2009
|Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.Proceed by induction.If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
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November 11, 2009
