Gross

Halloween Ha-Ha-Frickin"-Ha

What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?
Bone appetit!

Having to Take a Whisper

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss."
The mother said, "Son dont say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, "whisper" because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper."

The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."

Fire truck

Q: Why is a fire truck red?
A: If someone pulled your hose you would turn red too.

First Day Out

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since hes been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times. After its over, he turns to her and tells her he hasnt had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"Hows the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I"m going in there tomorrow!"

Flower Flub-o-rama

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it."

Eat Your Vegetables

Whats the difficult thing about eating vegetables?
Getting around the wheelchair.

Emoticons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass thats been around

(_O_) an ass thats been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Ending it all

An 83-year old woman decided that she"d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasnt certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

Ex-Lax, Dont Do It

Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!

Fart Glossary

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every "can" and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as "gas".

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".