Food
|From Reuters News Service:Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
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November 11, 2009
|Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . ."Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben
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November 11, 2009
|In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
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November 11, 2009
|A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
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November 11, 2009
|Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
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November 11, 2009
|This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!
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November 11, 2009
|Patron: Waiter!Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?Patron: There's a fly in my soup!Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.Patron: No, it's still there.Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?Patron: A SOUP bowl!Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.Patron: This is potato soup.Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.[The waiter leaves.]Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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November 11, 2009
|You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.Sample the whisky to check for quality.Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
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November 11, 2009
|An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.""Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
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November 11, 2009
|By Barbara Florio GrahamFrom McCall's, June, 1983I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;split a large combination pizza with three friends;think Oreo cookies are for kids;nibble cashews one at a time;think that doughnuts are indigestible;read books they have to hold with both hands;become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;lose their appetites when they're depressed;think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;throw out stale potato chips;will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;think banana splits are for kids.
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November 11, 2009
