Festival
|A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
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November 11, 2009
|Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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November 11, 2009
|10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask! 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. and last but not least...1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. Happy Halloween!
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November 11, 2009
|The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween HandoutsSpinach flavored Rice Cakes.Teeth removing TaffyMetamucil in a strawEx-Lax BrowniesCaramel Covered ZucchiniColored Crisco on a StickHot steaming bowl of pumpkin gutsChocolate Covered PrunesA Handful of Red ManAnything that ticks!
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November 11, 2009
|1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!5. Be thankful your server isn't down!6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!
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November 11, 2009
|It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went."Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter."Did it not taste good?" her mother asked."I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
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November 11, 2009
|The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.""Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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November 11, 2009
|It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door."Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.""Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man."That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man."Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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November 11, 2009
|A Thanksgiving Cookbookby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten ClassNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.Ivette - Banana PieYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.Russell - TurkeyYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy - TurkeyYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew - PizzaBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby - ApplesauceGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it. Meghan H. - TurkeyYou cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it. Danny - TurkeyYou put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Brandon - TurkeyFirst you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it. Megan K - ChickenYou put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it. Christa - CookiesBuy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them. Irene - TurkeyPut it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat. Moriah - TurkeyFirst you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it. Vincent - TurkeyYou cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing. Jordyn - TurkeyFirst you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it. Grace - TurkeyFirst you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it. Alan - TurkeyFirst you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it. Jordan Salvatore - TurkeyFirst you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up and then you eat it. Jordan Simons - Chocolate PuddingBuy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it. Whitney - TurkeyCut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it. Jason - Chicken PiePut the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it. Christopher - Pumpkin PieFirst you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it. Christine - TurkeyFirst you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it. Ashley - ChickenPut it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it. Jennie - CornMy mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it. Jordan - Cranberry PiePut cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it. Adam - Pumpkin PieFirst you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it. Jarryd - Deer JerkyPut it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it. Christina - TurkeyGet the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it. Joplyn - Apple PieTake some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes. Isabelle - SpaghettiPut those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees. Bailey - ChickenPut pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it. Nicholas - White and Brown PuddingFirst you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it. Sean - TurkeyPut it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it. Lauren - TurkeyFirst you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it. Olivia - CornGet hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat. Siera - Pumpkin PieGet some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees. Kayla - TurkeyBuy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it. Tommy - PumpkinCook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.Wai - Pumpkin PieGet a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
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November 11, 2009
|1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV. 6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.
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November 11, 2009
