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Can you cry under water?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?Why does a round pizza come in a square box?What did cured ham actually have?How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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November 11, 2009
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.And Man gained pounds.And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...And Satan created private health insurance ....
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November 11, 2009
Why is math always sad?Because it has too many problems.
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November 11, 2009
So there is a cow and a chicken. And the cow goes... Baak!Baak! LOL (why would a cow go baak!?!) LOLAnd... LOL...the chicken goes ...LOL...Moo!LOL(why would a chicken say moo!?!) ....
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November 11, 2009
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
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November 11, 2009
A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
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November 11, 2009
Why isn't Mexico in the olympics?...Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..
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November 11, 2009
Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.
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November 11, 2009
whats the differance between a camera and a sock???A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes...
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November 11, 2009
A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch."What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
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November 11, 2009
